It’s finally here! After eight-plus months of other schools destroying the core values and culture of the game, we are back to good ol’ Penn State football!
This starts the third year of Hate Week. Hate, we now realize, can't remain static. It evolves and changes, maturing over time like the finest $3 wines. Another year of the Who, What, Where, When, and Why of hate sounds too journalistic for our bastion of literary excellence*. We have therefore adjusted, seeking to express the same Hate in a new way.
Although change is scary, we are here to assist you in appreciating new ways of loathing the other guys across the field. This week we express the raw hatred we all feel for the Indiana State Sycamores of the FCS Valley Conference.
Since we need to adjust to this new system, we are using the seminal (heh) self-help business book “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People HATERS.” We will take you step-by-step through the seven habits to empower ourselves with some raw Sycamore HATE.
*this may be sarcasm
Step 1: Be Proactive
Start your hate early! The game starts at noon Eastern on Saturday, which means there is still plenty of time and opportunity to hate on the Sycamores before they arrive to Happy Valley. Potential methods include:
- Finding one of the many splendid Platanus occidentalis (American Sycamore) in Happy Valley, and then unloading some drinks from the night before on its mottled trunk. ed note: we mean piss on a tree.
- Going to a run-down sports bar in a lily-white part of your town. Chances are they’ll still have a life-size cardboard cutout of ISU Sycamore-great Larry Bird hanging on the wall. Take a sharpie and go to town on him. Hilarity will ensue. Bonus points if you use a black sharpie.
- Welcome the fine fans of Terre Haute, Indiana to Happy Valley by introducing them to some of the wonders of the 21st century. Such technological wonders unseen in rural Indiana include music which emanates from a thin piece of plastic, telegraph messages without wires and tickertape, and beer that doesn’t taste like garbage.
By being proactive, you can feel sharp, experienced, and focused on Saturday for some game day hate!
Step 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Visualization is key. It’s the end of the game. Penn State is up by 55 points. After seven hours of tailgating, two hours of football, and two hours of waiting through commercial breaks you realize Tim Curley has made you sit through an absolute joke of a game. Despite the six-win season by Indiana State, they seriously could be the WORST TEAM EVER to suit up and play in Beaver Stadium. Games like this are garbage. We have eagerly waited for the start of the season and appreciate any form of football, but by Saturday night we will feel cheated that one of the few Penn State gameday experiences of the season was wasted on this trash game.
Step 3: Put First Things First
The "first thing" obviously being that it’s the first week of the college football season. As bad as this game will be, it will be part of a Big Ten weekend where teams will face a line-up of Western Michigan, UNLV, Youngstown State, Arkansas State, Akron, Middle Tennessee State, Ball State, and UT-Chattanooga. The “watchable” slate of Big Ten games involve Minnesota getting pulverized at Southern Cal and Northwestern playing Boston College--the dullest team in major college athletics. Seriously, why do we fans even bother with this week? Perhaps the "first thing" we should do is ask the Big Ten to revert back to an eleven-game schedule and get rid of meaningless football like this.
Step 4: Think Win-Win
Win-Win means two consecutive wins to me, which means we have to view this as the warm up to a win over the Crimson Tide. It’s never too early to hate on Alabama! The Sycamores get $450,000 in this deal, so they can probably deal with some “Saban Sucks!” practice catcalls.
Step 5: Seek First to Understand, then Be Understood
Know your enemy. The Indiana State media guide provides this description of what this game means to the Sycamores:
An Indiana State Win Over Penn State Would …
• Give Indiana State its first victory over a current member of the Big Ten Conference, breaking an eight-game skid.
• Give Indiana State back-to-back victories in season opening contests for the first time since the 1995 & 1996
• Give Indiana State its first victory over a FBS program since a 2001 victory over Eastern Michigan by the score of 21-14.
• Give Indiana State a victory on the road in a season opener for the first time since 1980.
Weak. This is not even remotely good enough. I'll offer the some advice to the Sycamores: never be afraid to tell the truth. Here’s an improved version that makes the client understand the meaning of this game.
An Indiana State Win Over Penn State Would …
• Result in spontaneous semi-nude coed bowling on the streets of Terre Haute.
• Result in many said coeds fulfilling a bet with their boyfriends they never expected would occur.
• Give Promotion for the Sycamores, Relegation for the Hoosiers.
• Lead to the immediate shutting down of JPDH, as those writers would be unable to maintain the site due to our newfound employment as rock-throwing-hoodlum-administrators on the mean streets of State College.
See Indiana State? Truthful, simple, and it expresses your abiding love of bowlin'!
Step 6: Synergize
"Synergize" is one of those business terms that is largely meaningless, but I think it has something to do with merging things. Let’s "synergize" the particulars for the two starting defensive ends for both teams:
Indy State’s starting Defensive Ends: 6’-3”, 230 lbs
Penn State’s starting Defensive Ends: 6’-6”, 275 lbs
Is that telling? The linemen are really all you need to know to find the difference between the FBS and FCS. It’s harder to find freakish size than freakish speed, and it’s way harder to find freakishly sized that also have speed. Sycamores, you will be destroyed. The differences in the lines will allow Penn State starting QB Mattbert BolGloin plenty of time in the backfield to make good decisions with the ball. Whether they will make good decisions remains to be seen.
The Final Step: Sharpen the Saw
Don’t mind if I do…